I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
