plz talk dirty to me
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
