In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
someone owes me an orgasm
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
