i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
