Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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