grandma shit on top of the toilet
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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