I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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