i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
