when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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