if only i could text you this smell
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
