i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
