Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
