I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
