Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
