dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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