My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
