you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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