Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
