i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
