i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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