glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
