Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
