My liver just broke up with me...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
