you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
