I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
