I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
