just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
