The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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