i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
