I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
