my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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