I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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