I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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