I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
