Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
