Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
