saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
