I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
