i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
