I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
