we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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