he wants to bone in the snuggie
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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