You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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