Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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