I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
