that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
