my sisters under your porch take her home
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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