It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
