your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
