Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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